If shopping online is easy, why do I always end up apoplectic!

Yesterday I had one of those moments where you wish you could reach down the phone and surprise the straining-to-be-nice idiot on the other end of the line by shoving your fist down his throat and yanking on his tonsils.

I’m a calm guy even, as a Yorkshire man, when I am spending money. But nothing pisses me off more than online shopping when the glib, flashy, superfast websites dangle the goods in front of you then refuses to accept payment!

When I recently found myself in need of a high-end piece of digital wizardry, I opened my browser, flexed my credit card and dove in. After four hours of research it was just me and my cash and the girl of my dreams in the form of a sexy new camera.

Then it all went wrong.

It was like my courting days. You and your girl are in the house alone. Mum and dad are out and the lights are low. You’re on the settee inspecting the goods when suddenly mum and dad burst in with a group of friends and before you know it you’re out the door without the goods and more than a droopy credit card.

I’d gone all the way with this (I’m back to online shopping), and given my details, told the company way more about myself than they had a right to know and been assured the deal had gone through. That’s when I received a message that there was a problem and I should phone them. I did, and they were nice, well, at least smooth-talking nice and they promised to call me back.

Then they did the unforgivable. Without my knowledge, they called the person to whom I was shipping the goods and got into it with her.

How dare they?!

My online shopping now involved half the world. Good job I was ordering a camera and not an inflatable doll or load of porno videos!

Fortunately my friend is very understanding and while I was texting rude messages for her to relay to the supplier, whom she was talking to on the phone, she stayed calm. Between us we managed to make the purchase, but without her help and trust, it wouldn’t have happened.

I’m not stupid, well, not really, and I understand the need for online vendors to protect themselves and their customers from fraud. But what’s the point in having a credit card if you can’t use it without involving innocent bystanders?

On a final note: I sent a polite email to the company praising them for their vigilance while pointing out how difficult they had made it for me to deposit a substantial chunk of change into their coffers, how they had inconvenienced so many people, and not to expect me to buy anything from them ever again.

They never replied.

If ever fumfie.com begin selling sex toys online, I suggest you buy your inflatable doll elsewhere.